i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
