Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
