so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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