just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
