atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
