I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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