I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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