I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
