I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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