i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
