i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
