im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
