got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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