I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
