On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
