I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
