I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
