So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Buhtt sex?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
