We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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