Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
