I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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