i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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