Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
