I will die if light touches me.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
