i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
