see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
