I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize