She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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