Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
