theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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