I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize