I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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