She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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