On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
