its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
