Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
