i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
