I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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