and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
