New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
