I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
