Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
