highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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