Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
