I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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