Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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