I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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