You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
