$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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