His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dick very happy bro
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
