I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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