Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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