the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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