i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
