Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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