A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize